Theoretically, lastingly romantic marriages should be more common than those based on an exuberant sex life. But it’s not how it goes.
It doesn’t mean that sexually satisfying relationships are that frequent, but very few couples get to experience a loving relationship that last decades, one that fills hearts with joy and eyes, with tears of happiness.
Things start going wrong early on. Most marriages happen between a person in love, and another who prefers being the object of that affection. While the first one, the most generous person, offers, the other, who is more selfish, receives. The more generous person is brave enough to love. The more selfish person is afraid to suffer and tries to protect themself from the pain of love by not opening too much to the relationship.
These relationships also have their beautiful moments, of course, and allow for a sex life of eternal seduction. After all, since the most selfish person never fully gives themself completely to their partner, the most generous person is always trying to win them over. While this dynamic can create some intense encounters, they don’t last long. Then, the everyday hassles, fights and domination battles resurface. And that is just one of the problems of this kind of relationship. The other factors that must be considered are the differences in temperament (people who tend to be more generous and people who tend to be more selfish are very different), tastes and interests. In people’s daily lives, these divergences cause permanent annoyances—and that goes for big and small disagreements.
People’s lives are made of small choices: Where are we having dinner? Which friends should we invite? Where should we spend our vacation? Which movie should we watch? How will we raise our children? How will we deal with our relatives? So long and so forth. These small divergences cause annoyance, anger and, therefore, are the origin of most arguments. Affinities bring people closer and differences pull them apart.
Besides, differences are the root of envy. Short people envy the tall; fat people, the thin; lazy people, the hard-working; introverted people, the gregarious. And envy is the enemy of dialogue. In this kind of relationship, fights are normal occurrences, and moments of harmony and agreement are exceptions that become more rare with time.
As I said earlier, theoretically, romantic happiness in a marriage could be common, because love doesn’t rely on the novelty factor as much as sex does. Quite the contrary; love is attachment, a need for comfort and for peaceful intimacy. It is a feeling that flowers and multiplies when everything is exactly the same and well known. We like to go home. We like to wear those old, cozy sweatshirts. We enjoy returning to the same old places in our city.
We also want to feel this stability and solidity in our romantic partner. Love is peace and restfulness, which comes from knowing and understanding the other person well. So it’s important that affinities and similarities prevail over differences in temperament, character and goals. Under these conditions, a couple may then live an endless and rich love story; there will be no reason for fights. There will be no envy between them.
So, the rare couples who live harmoniously are the ones who, according to my experience, find someone who shares their values and goals. People should try to find their equal; only then will love not be fleeting.
A happy couple should make plans together, and work to make them come true; this way, their joint life will be stimulating and rich, never boring. Running away to a deserted island to live a grand romance doesn’t work; everyone who tries to do so will probably return within two months, disappointed with love and with life.
Life is a two-wheeler. It’s only balanced as long as it’s moving.
Two people will only become a team with a common goal. It doesn’t matter if it’s having children, building a home, making money, moving their careers forward or fighting for their ideals. Whatever they do, their connection is what makes their love essential. Making plans together is always an exciting adventure; it’s what we most love to dream about.
Tradução: Amanda Morris