– Love implies dependence, being vulnerable. So, loving someone we don’t trust is being reckless with ourselves.
Very few couples live well together and have a relationship conducive to emotional and intellectual growth. But exactly because some couples do live happily together, we should do our best to be a part of this exclusive club.
Today, I want to talk about an essential condition for a good relationship, which is mutual trust.
Love implies dependence, being vulnerable. More than anyone else, the people we love have the power to make us suffer. They can hurt us if they want, with a mere word or gesture, and it wouldn’t be difficult to make us feel insecure.
It is abundantly clear that, when we love someone that does not make an effort to gain our trust and loyalty, it will be painful. We’ll constantly feel threatened and be jealous of everything and everyone.
Loving someone who does not inspire trust is reckless. It is irresponsible, naive and a huge sign of emotional immaturity – or a sign that suffering is seen as gratifying.
Usually, we put ourselves in this situation by falling for someone who does not inspire trust. We believe our significant other’s selfishness is just a phase, a painful phase that will pass. We do all we can to love and allure them, in hopes that they will finally fully commit to the relationship.
It becomes a sort of a game: the person who can’t be trusted realizes they get more attention and love for being exactly who they are; therefore, the pattern keeps repeating itself and it is foolish to believe the situation will change. After all, the person who doesn’t give in to love ends up being richly rewarded for their behavior and has no reason to change.
When the “magic” of falling in love does not come with the “magic” of trust, the relationship becomes very difficult; pain and uncertainty will be the most frequent emotions.
And where does this “magic” of trust come from? It comes from several sources, the first of them being the significant other’s behavior.
It is impossible to trust a liar, unless we want to deceive ourselves and find excuses to maintain our feelings.
We can’t trust people whose behavior is not compatible with their words; when words and actions differ, we should take the latter as an expression of the person’s true nature.
We can’t trust people who change their minds as fast as we change clothes. Of course, we all change our views over the years. However, a person who believes in something one day and defends an opposing view on the other, when faced with different people, has no firm convictions whatsoever and just wishes to be in everyone’s good graces. Loving someone like that shows a disregard to our sense of self-preservation.
Apart from our significant other’s way of being and acting, the ability to trust them also depends on the workings of their inner world.
Several people are unable to trust because they have low self-esteem and don’t believe they are capable of inspiring and keeping someone’s love. They feel insecure and think their significant other will leave them for someone more attractive and accomplished. What’s worse, they keep feeling this way even when constantly, consistently and continuously reassured of their loved one’s loyalty. In these cases, not much can be done do to alleviate their unease; the only solution is a deep dive into themselves to rescue the self-esteem and self-reliance they lost somewhere in the past.
At last, to be able to trust, a person must be trustworthy.
We assess other people based on how we are; if we are liars, disloyal and disrespectful, how can we be sure other people won’t be the same way?
Only people who have inner strength and trust their ability to follow their own moral code can envision others capable of acting just like them.
If romantic happiness depends on establishing reciprocal trust, it will be exclusive to principled and honest people.
Tradução: Amanda Morris