What Does It Mean to Be Good in Bed?

Por em 15/06/2015

There seems to be a current belief that human sexuality is a subject that has already been fully understood and settled, to such an extent that there are almost no more books being written about it and very few sexologists left. I don’t believe that’s the case. We live in a time strongly influenced by the porn industry, which makes us see sex as a form of strenuous exercise. These movies and scenes, widely available on the internet, have brought back some old concerns and ideas that were supposedly outdated – men worry, once more, about the size of their penis, while women feel they must all have vaginal orgasms to really enjoy sex and to be “good in bed”. Surely, these elements bring interest to a film, but they’re not particularly useful concepts for real life.

The porn industry, commercials and fiction lead the audience to believe that a sexual relationship is nothing more than a game of seduction and power in which – in a heterosexual context – a powerful woman tries to dominate a man with her beauty and sexual performance, as the man, with his powerful physical attributes, attempts to bring her pleasure which, in this scenario, equals her surrender. It’s not surprise, then, that so many women just can’t orgasm during sex, despite their partners’ efforts. These same women, when masturbating, achieve climax easily, so they clearly don’t have a sexual problem; they are holding back to avoid being dominated.

In this context, the already existing association between sex and aggressiveness becomes stronger and, in a casual setting, it further separates sexual connections from romance. Sex between two near strangers can be a sort of spectacle, in which each performs for the other and anything goes, including faking pleasure, which has been happening very often. Men do their best to pleasure women, for two reasons: first, to dominate them, and second, because they’re proud of being good enough to get her there. That’s not a genuine desire to please; it’s vanity. Men like this are often considered “good in bed.” Likewise, a woman who willing and game for anything, and showily conveys her pleasure will be considered “good in bed,” even if it’s all an act.

We must rethink matters related to our sexuality, because this is not a good path. It is possible to go a completely opposite way and, instead of associating sex with control – control over one’s own feelings and control over the partner – believing that real sexual freedom means actually losing control.

During sex, a woman can act daring to impress her partner, or she can just drop her defenses and let herself truly enjoy the sensations that come from the stimulation of her erogenous zones. She is not giving in to a man, but to pleasure, in an exchange of caresses that does require trust which, granted, might be more difficult to achieve in a one-night-stand. A man can let go of his concerns with performance and quantity and give in to the pleasure of the experience, with no intention to dominate or control. He is just seeking his pleasure, and delighting in hers. These people are good in bed!

There’s no need for aggression, dominance or acting a part to be good in bed. It just requires being present, body and soul.

The erotic life of couples for whom sex is a game of seduction and domination tends to fizzle over time, because once their relationship is stable, they feel there is no more need to seduce the other. But if they learn to experience sex as just a source of pleasure, it will be easy to keep the level of interest over the years. Sex is an essential part of the connection and intimacy of long-term couples, as well, of course, as a delightful source of relaxation and fun.

Tradução: Amanda Morris

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